all right….legitimately, i had some trouble following the last post. please forgive me. this is going to be some plain jane english.
it’s reasonable to say that the musician is the person and the person is the musician. the music inspires the person, and the musician acts on it. i commend many, many musicians because it is so hard to find balance between the musician and the human being. i didn’t, not even close, until i was 31. didn’t have a chance, even. so i’ve paid a price, and maybe one day i'll make a record about what and how that was.
suffice it to say: I've been seriously, seriously humbled, lately. one thing i know is that i don’t know what the future holds or why. some people at least have a good idea. i don’t. legitimately scares me, but i understand how I got here, so i have to just face it and keep going.
the musical journey can reflect the personal journey, BUT……
i think sometimes, either one wins and one loses, or they split. now, that is something i am not prepared to talk about. not even close. that just came to me and i'm going to leave it right there.
honestly, i'm going to hide from the world for about a month, starting next week. that’s how I feel: busted. like all the effort isn’t enough, it’s not getting anywhere, it’s not working, i'm wasting my time, money, and energy. meanwhile, i’m trying not to covet anything anyone else has but also stay involved in people’s lives, which is really only possible through social media, which is a cesspool of lies and vanity. Not looking out the window. I did this for maybe two years and it probably wasn’t a very good idea. This time it’s just a month. I hope one day I get to the point where I can do this all the time - for now, I do not have that luxury.
ugh. if you knew what i dealt with since the beginning of 2023, you’d do the same. maybe you’d never open the window again. certainly sounds tempting.
i really really hate that we accept crisis as just part of life. honestly, seriously, we give ourselves so much grief (i.e. we blame ourselves for things we’re supposed to be doing, or not doing), it’s insane. it’s actively harmful to ourselves and our relationships. we torture ourselves in the name of society, rules, religion, money. and what do you get for it? more pain. is that life, or is that just what we’re willing to accept?
i'm pissed, scared, and exhausted.
idk. music will happen. i will probably be in more places in 2026 than i was in 2025. effort is being made. heart is being protected. stomach is constantly turning. head is spinning. best i can do until i think of something else to get me out of this mess.